Favorite Sketches from The Onion

Tom Falite

A federal judge ruled last week that satirical news outlet The Onion’s bid for Infowars could not be honored due to a lack of transparency throughout the auctioning process, despite several families of Sandy Hook victims supporting the acquisition.

In lieu of this unfortunate development in the ongoing Alex Jones defamation saga, I have procured a list of my favorite news sketches published by Onion News Network over the years to share with the faithful readers of The Beacon. 

1. Breaking News: Some Bulls*** Happening Somewhere

2. Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé

3. DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear Attack

4. Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of S*** That Doesn’t F****** Work

5. Wrongly Convicted Death Row Inmate Exonerated Mere Hours After Execution

6. Republicans Stalling Obama’s Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

7. Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

8. Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again

9. Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own G****** Kids

With a bit of luck, Infowars could someday aspire to create transformative content of rivaling stature under the caring leadership of The Onion.