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March Horoscopes

Aries: If you’re 21 or have a fake ID make sure you go to Augie’s next week because you deserve a break.

Taurus: This has been a good month for you! Almost too good, something’s up, make sure you are careful because something bad is coming.  

Gemini: I know you’re thinking about buying your fake off IDGod, but don’t! The ID you buy will be unscannable

Cancer: Stop posting your Mike’s Lemonade and Twisted Tea bottles on your Snapchat story, nobody thinks you’re cool

Leo: You stayed up all night celebrating that A you got on your test and unfortunately you ended up sleeping through your test the next day and failed.  

Virgo: Pro tip: For Spring break bring your own breathalyzer so you know when you are too drunk.

Libra: Stop downloading every dating app known to man, and maybe you won’t be alone and crying on Valentine’s Day next year. But you likely will be, because you’re annoying and ugly.

Scorpio: It’s not going to be a good month for you if you keep texting and Snapchatting after 2:00 a.m. No one likes it.

Sagittarius: Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Remember this for spring weekend so you don’t get transported again and disappoint your already fed up parents.

Capricorn: You need to block Brad on all social media he is a bad fungus that won’t go away. Boys who only text you after midnight don’t want to “just cuddle”.

Aquarius: Merrimack Police are going to do a “random search” of your room per request of your untolerable neighbor, so hide your weed and vodka bottles!
Pisces: Are your roommates causing drama? Lock them out for a few hours and get some peace and quiet. You’ll be way better off.